I'm feeling Awkward

Watching Awkward instead of study is something that I should not done in the first place. I have exam tomorrow and yet, all in my head was all the characters in the series that makes me living in fantasy. Especially that cute charming Matty Mckibben and the beautiful Jenna who always trying to ruin things with her self concious and idiot decisions, I really feel wanna slap her. I feel like I am part of the drama (well I am part of all drama that I love :p). I will find the connections in my real life and makes me recall my life again and again with the question with ... "What if?"

It's hard to say in words, because first, English is not my first language and second I'm seriously sucks in writing. So the best thing I can do is just imagine. I still remember when I was young, no one ever understand me, especially my family. Even my friends don't really understand me. It's like I'm a kid living in an adult woman body, having my own thinking that I don't think one would understand at my age. I have friends and family but deep inside I'm always lonely. That's where cats feel in my empty life. I just talk with my cats as if they understand me, it gives me relief.

The brought up makes me who I am now, and sometimes I do feel I'm way too serious in my life and didn't really chill out when I was a teenage girl. I blame it to my hormone? or lack of communication? or hatred to the surroundings? or just want to be anti social?. I don't like people to know me, to be in the centre of attention and do what girls always do, have a bunch of boy friends. I'm proud of being myself, being different from others and yet people do notice me and somehow care to "care" about my existence. It's weird to know that some have their attention towards me when I don't give a damn about anybody. It's funny when I knew some nick name me as a "model" LOL. Same goes when I'm in Uni, I have "sexy or cat" as my nickname, that's so weird as I never wore sexy cloths... at least I loose up a little bit in Uni. However, I could achieve more if I want to... yeah I regret it.

So, what if I was different, I was as open as I am now, mingle with everyone, be more actives and just do what I want? Probably I will not be here, feeling jealous of other peoples achievement in life if I mingle with the right group... those who are smart ass and rich and know their way out to success?

Not that I am not success in my way.... but I would gain more, - scholarship in UK, enjoy my life to the fullest and have a high paid job in pound sterling.. who knows right?

Well...if only I knew, if someone can guide me!! On top of that, I blame it on the technology. If only I have a lot of information and the internet is way cheaper back then.. I will definitely know what I should do to study abroad, a leap to a better achievement.

I could write nonsense all nite , It's just me trying to excuse myself from studying!!! I seriously can't focus. Hopefully I can answer all the questions correctly tomorrow.

Till then adios.. I need to sleep.

Busy doing nothing?

Well, I'm officially jobless and am a full time student for a week. Seriously time goes by like a rocket. So far all are good, I'm busy doing my business thingy and classes. I still don't have time to start any of my assignments (as usual) and focus on my master project.

Seems like, I'm not in line with my own schedule except having a good meeting with my supplier. He wants me to join him and get profit sharing from the sales. This is new things for me, not sure how good it is. See how it goes, it could be good or not worth it.

I spend my weekend watching Awkward series. It's a typical teenage series, but as long as there's a cute guy and pretty ladies with a good story, I don't mind watching it :p

So, after gossip girl, my favourite series are:

Pretty Little Liars

This series is the best so far, with so many beautiful ladies, and boys especially Tyler Blackburn! He's so damn cute. I will definitely ask him out if I saw him :p

next, Once Upon a Time

It's an ok series to me, just curious what's going to happen next.

The Games of Thrones

Luckily the third season is quite interesting, if not I'm going to dish this series.
and the last series would be...

The Carries Diaries

Hoping the second season would be better..

As for now, I need to study for this Wednesday Quantitative test. I don't like remote sensing at all...

I'm Back!!

Oh My Gosh...

I know that my last post was about temptation to leave everything in this world behind me, but no worries..
I'm still alive and healthy and in fact getting fatter :P Year 2012 is a crazy year, a year of another disturbance and a year of awakening for me. Yeah, that was it!

I totally forgot I have this blog. I know my short term memories is getting worst by days. I'm afraid that one day I will go out, and totally forgot about who I am. That could happen... probably... I don't know.

It seems like every 5 years or so, things are repeating, history repeat itself, not exactly the same, but likely the same. One thing for sure, I'm seriously can't even have a boy as best friends... it will end up weird and I just hate it. I hate when everyone I trust just fooling me around. The solution is, I WILL NEVER TRUST ANYONE EVER AGAIN. It's fun to just play around :)

Thus, I just kick them all away as usual, seems like it's the best solution for  me, I don't have enough time to waste my precious time dealing with stupid emotions. It's just best to just ignore it and move on. It's too easy for me. Once I have this "ignorance and don't care feeling" I can be so ruthless, I think that is my expertise hahaha. I totally have no feeling once I click on the mood. I just don't give a damn. Even though if someone told me he is dying, seriously I don't care and do not have a single sympathy in my heart. I know it sounds evil, well, can't help... that's how I feel. No offence.

However, it's a good turnover for me. I realized I have been in dreamland for so long, wasting my time hanging out, talking rubbish, totally not productive for years!! Once I turn on the ignorance mood, I realized I'm 31 and still poor, full of debt, lonely and hate my job. That's when I thought oh shit, I just need to do something or else I'll be the same in 10 more years.

So, I hang out with my girl friends more which is awesome, they are energetic, just do what ever we want and planned and I think, I do different activities compare to before, and I love the new me!

I just stop thinking to much, I stop worrying to much, I stop thinking of those shitty person in my life, I stop daydreaming and just go for it, do whatever I want! The best decision ever made, I continue my master. It's awesome, making myself busy doing something useful. Instead of just planning and thinking too much, I just do it. The feeling is great, I'm in control again :)

The best part is, I never knew I can do way better during my Master while working at the same time. This is the first time I'm actually serious with my life :p

The most crazy thing I did was, I QUIT MY JOB!!!! Finally, I have the gut to just QUIT my job!! The moment I decided to quit, I felt so happy...the moment I woke up in the morning, I can actually smile, that when I realized, I never have this feeling for the past 7 years. I can't imagine why I drag myself all this years.
First time in my life I feel so relief. I decided it's the moment I need to follow my heart doing things I want to do instead of doing things what other people thinks I should do. I had enough doing things to pleased others. This time, I'm going to give myself a chance to actually do what I WANT TO DO!

Though I admit this is not an easy decision, I'm not sure how this is a good idea... but what the hell, I'll never know if I didn't try it. I am totally HAPPY, that's what is important to me now :)
You get it right, I will definitely write more :P

I'm on vacation for a month, focusing on my study and my business and definitely need to lose weight! So I will start my 30 days losing weight challenge! Update soon!

In the mean time, I want to sleep and enjoy myself being jobless.

Tempting

tempting to ride an endless road

taking me to nowhere

in the midst of dust

tempting to run away

isolate in lost island

rotten to death

tempting to push the pedal to the max

to bring me to the next life

to left what's behind

tempting to swim in the red pool

suffocate in my own pool of blood

end my suffer

tempting to electrified myself

erase all my memories

and live in solemn

tempting to end everything

for the next life

but i dont want to be selfish to do all.

as I will kill more hearts than my ownself.

I'm trapped and remained suffocate for the rest of my life.

....

I'm confused

My feelings is not helping me

I don't know what's the right thing to do.

If this thing keep going on,

I could be sick again.

But I don't plan to be sick again.

I don't plan to go all over this ever again.

My time bomb is ticking...

I need to get away...

Someone need to save me...

I'm scared.

My 30’s

 

I’m turning 30 today! 3 consecutive days of early celebration with friends, family and 3 cute cakes .

I am blessed with great friends and family and a happy life

     

Basically, none that I plan to achieved in my 20’s achieved.

So will see how my luck in my 30’s will be.

V-day

How should I say this...

It's weird and shocked,

It's surprising and unpredictable,

It crushed me hard for a weird reasons,

It should not happened,

I've been avoiding this kind of feeling for so, so long,

and suddenly it happened yesterday.

I don't know why I feel happy but sad,

I don't know why I felt what I felt,

But its unavoidable, it just can't,

I'm not that strong,

I'm so sorry.

Believe me, my heart felt something,

It makes me restless,

But I'm not that strong,

I'm so sorry,

I just can't.

I didn't know why I cried,

But I did.

and I'm so sad...

I need sometimes alone...

please forgive me.