Monday, December 19, 2016

Goodbye 2016 part II

Lets continue... enough with the business talk and lets talk about my body..

1- Im not sure is it because of the hectic life i had this year that led me to an unhealthy lifestyle that changes my body or what. I hope it was.

2- Since early this year until now im not feeling very well especially at certain part of my body. I had it when i was a kid. Something weird  happening at that part, its swollen and its moving. it doesnt hurt but its disturbing. I did told my mom about it. she wants to bring me to a doctor but i refused cause i was scared. what do u expect right cause im just a little child. my mom didnt force me at all.. so i just let it be and after a while its gone. I wish she did forced me.

3- this year... that same place is starting to feel pain. a constant paint. it doesnt look like swollen but it felt swollen. i read some of the symptoms about it... and it doesnt really match what im going trough but somehow its similar its just not getting worst yet. if it is what it is, it could be worst and im pretty scared. 

4- the pain come and go but its constantly coming back. Im scared to check with Doctor. u know i hate doctors.. clinic n hospital. i dont have the courage to do it and i cant even share this with anybody at all! i did mention to him that something contantly giving me pain but he said im overthinking or reacting. i just want him to show his concern... i guess he doenst care.

5- i had back pain too once in a while. in fact its happening right now. so much pain to move and to get up from this bed. 

6- probably it was nothing compare to when i was in college. so far the pain dies when the bastard is dead. i felt it once in a while if im in stressed though, but not as bad as when im with him. so i assumed it was stress.

7- i still remember the pain. its so painful as if some one was twisting my heart, stabbing it with a knife n i cant move.. it hurts even more if i moved .. it makes me breathless felt like im dying and passed out. im not sure how many times it happened and i passed out, and everytime that happened, i made him scared to death. he said i look like im dead.. he pray for me.. constantly checking if im breathing or not. when i woke up i will felt terribly thirsty.. he gives me water but i cant swallow it.. i saw he cried... tried his best to make me drink.. i just dont know y its so hard to swallow n so painful.. once i had my drinks i will be ok n relaxed n passed out again. 

8- Doctor said theres nothing wrong with me. this 1 stupid Dr. even blame me for wearing a tight shirt. WTF! 

9- The last time i fainted was in front of my house. i cant move but im aware of whats happening. i can hear everybody talking... n to my disbelief my mom didnt send me to clinic straight away... cause my bro in law said 'im probably just tired and just send me to clinic when im awake' WTF! after i woke up they send me to clinic... and again nothing is wrong with me.

10- at least i know how to control my stressed now. when i feel the symptom ill make sure i relaxed myself and the pain is gone. but this time is different. its certainly not stress.

11- early this year me n him had a good talk... somehow he told me he likes me a lot. and again its always in a bad time! and again im being ignorance and didnt used that chance to confess to him. as always im so good at ruining the situation. im so pissed off with myself!

12 - i know why im being ignorant - Im too scared to loose him! im scared i will chase him away. Im scared i will be heartbroken all over again! im scared he just fooling around! Im scared he dont feel like i do and im scares he doesnt want me like the way i want him.

13 - Im crazy about him. i know im crazy to have strong feelings to him, to a stranger ive known for 10 years.. a stranger that i felt in love with for 10 years.. to someone i never spoke with, someone i never meet with. 

14- I know he likes me, and i know hes giving up on me as he didnt talk n treat me the way he did b4. he doesnt care about me as much as he did before. he didnt even want to see me in person and thats why im purposely being ignorant cause im scared to feel it all over again. i dont know whats the future hold.

15- A few guys wanted me. but i dont know why only him in my heart. and i seema to refused to let anybody in until i meet him face to face. but again he doesnt seem to be interested in me anymore. its hurt. 

16- ive been thinking alot about him.. about the business.. about my life. im feeling that im failing.. failing in all aspect of life! i cant be what i want. i cant have what i want. i cant get what i want just yet.. and its killing me inside!

17- sometimes i felt that i lost hope. i wish i can just die... i wish to die and let it end. the feeling is so strong.. i can twist my brain to live in fantasy.. to leave this world and become what mentals do.. i know how it felt and how one with less control can become mental. i can do that if i let myself loose. i want to do that sometimes.

18- but because i know n believes in God and life after death, i just cant do it... its the only thing that hold me.

19- it reminda me of death everyday.. every second of my day im struggling with myself lately. Is that the feeling of dying? Is it the end of me? or its just my mind playing games with me so i can forget my life?

20- what if it is the end of me... and life is telling me n im  not doing anything to fix myself?? where will I end?? i know where... and its sadden me even more. and its sadden me cause im struggling with my ownself n my own feeling. its killing me inside.

21- ive been fighting this for life... how much longer i can hold it??

22 - I missed him badly.. and somehow he managed to ease my struggle for years silently. i want him but i know its impossible. its crazy. n i dont know why...

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