Monday, December 19, 2016

Goodbye 2016 part II

Lets continue... enough with the business talk and lets talk about my body..

1- Im not sure is it because of the hectic life i had this year that led me to an unhealthy lifestyle that changes my body or what. I hope it was.

2- Since early this year until now im not feeling very well especially at certain part of my body. I had it when i was a kid. Something weird  happening at that part, its swollen and its moving. it doesnt hurt but its disturbing. I did told my mom about it. she wants to bring me to a doctor but i refused cause i was scared. what do u expect right cause im just a little child. my mom didnt force me at all.. so i just let it be and after a while its gone. I wish she did forced me.

3- this year... that same place is starting to feel pain. a constant paint. it doesnt look like swollen but it felt swollen. i read some of the symptoms about it... and it doesnt really match what im going trough but somehow its similar its just not getting worst yet. if it is what it is, it could be worst and im pretty scared. 

4- the pain come and go but its constantly coming back. Im scared to check with Doctor. u know i hate doctors.. clinic n hospital. i dont have the courage to do it and i cant even share this with anybody at all! i did mention to him that something contantly giving me pain but he said im overthinking or reacting. i just want him to show his concern... i guess he doenst care.

5- i had back pain too once in a while. in fact its happening right now. so much pain to move and to get up from this bed. 

6- probably it was nothing compare to when i was in college. so far the pain dies when the bastard is dead. i felt it once in a while if im in stressed though, but not as bad as when im with him. so i assumed it was stress.

7- i still remember the pain. its so painful as if some one was twisting my heart, stabbing it with a knife n i cant move.. it hurts even more if i moved .. it makes me breathless felt like im dying and passed out. im not sure how many times it happened and i passed out, and everytime that happened, i made him scared to death. he said i look like im dead.. he pray for me.. constantly checking if im breathing or not. when i woke up i will felt terribly thirsty.. he gives me water but i cant swallow it.. i saw he cried... tried his best to make me drink.. i just dont know y its so hard to swallow n so painful.. once i had my drinks i will be ok n relaxed n passed out again. 

8- Doctor said theres nothing wrong with me. this 1 stupid Dr. even blame me for wearing a tight shirt. WTF! 

9- The last time i fainted was in front of my house. i cant move but im aware of whats happening. i can hear everybody talking... n to my disbelief my mom didnt send me to clinic straight away... cause my bro in law said 'im probably just tired and just send me to clinic when im awake' WTF! after i woke up they send me to clinic... and again nothing is wrong with me.

10- at least i know how to control my stressed now. when i feel the symptom ill make sure i relaxed myself and the pain is gone. but this time is different. its certainly not stress.

11- early this year me n him had a good talk... somehow he told me he likes me a lot. and again its always in a bad time! and again im being ignorance and didnt used that chance to confess to him. as always im so good at ruining the situation. im so pissed off with myself!

12 - i know why im being ignorant - Im too scared to loose him! im scared i will chase him away. Im scared i will be heartbroken all over again! im scared he just fooling around! Im scared he dont feel like i do and im scares he doesnt want me like the way i want him.

13 - Im crazy about him. i know im crazy to have strong feelings to him, to a stranger ive known for 10 years.. a stranger that i felt in love with for 10 years.. to someone i never spoke with, someone i never meet with. 

14- I know he likes me, and i know hes giving up on me as he didnt talk n treat me the way he did b4. he doesnt care about me as much as he did before. he didnt even want to see me in person and thats why im purposely being ignorant cause im scared to feel it all over again. i dont know whats the future hold.

15- A few guys wanted me. but i dont know why only him in my heart. and i seema to refused to let anybody in until i meet him face to face. but again he doesnt seem to be interested in me anymore. its hurt. 

16- ive been thinking alot about him.. about the business.. about my life. im feeling that im failing.. failing in all aspect of life! i cant be what i want. i cant have what i want. i cant get what i want just yet.. and its killing me inside!

17- sometimes i felt that i lost hope. i wish i can just die... i wish to die and let it end. the feeling is so strong.. i can twist my brain to live in fantasy.. to leave this world and become what mentals do.. i know how it felt and how one with less control can become mental. i can do that if i let myself loose. i want to do that sometimes.

18- but because i know n believes in God and life after death, i just cant do it... its the only thing that hold me.

19- it reminda me of death everyday.. every second of my day im struggling with myself lately. Is that the feeling of dying? Is it the end of me? or its just my mind playing games with me so i can forget my life?

20- what if it is the end of me... and life is telling me n im  not doing anything to fix myself?? where will I end?? i know where... and its sadden me even more. and its sadden me cause im struggling with my ownself n my own feeling. its killing me inside.

21- ive been fighting this for life... how much longer i can hold it??

22 - I missed him badly.. and somehow he managed to ease my struggle for years silently. i want him but i know its impossible. its crazy. n i dont know why...

Goodbye 2016

Well, well, well... seems like a habit to me to write something by the end of the year. sums up everything in 1 post every year 😆.
So let see what has happened all this year.

1- Venturing into real business is not an easy job. Easy to get sales but to maintain the sales r difficult. I thought my business will be awesome n blooming when i open it in a so called Mall. Unfortunately, the mall has deceived all of the tenants and managed by a fool arrogant old manager!

2- The mall did not do what they promised to do. No promotion, no marketing, no effort at all to spend money to advertise their mall. During the opening, only tenant was there waiting for a ghost to come! Have u seen a MALL do their opening by doing NOTHING at all?? No sign or banner saying they r open, No music, No balloons, No activities and the best part NO CUSTOMER at all... cause NOBODY knows that place is open!! What an idiot right???

3- All tenant was pissed off. They questioned the manager and with proud he said, this is a new strategic way of business for a mall. Every mall is doing it now. WTF??? Malls will spend thousands and more to advertise to market to tell people in all sorts of media months before their opening, he thinks we all so stupid like him?

4- For few days, no customers coming except our customers cause we market on our own. Im surprised we got plenty of sales and customers coming almost everyday. just imagined if that mall is fully occupied and the marketing was right i can get higher sales.

5- For 2 months no effort from management besides blaming all the tenants for not doing our own marketing and blaming us dont know how to do our own business. He will do gis best to find ways to quarell with the tenants, to pissed of the tenants just to prove he is right cause he have more than 20 years of experience. i can tell his experienced is a shitty experienced as he cant even bring in customers and sales to that place, instead he drove all the tenants out from that mall. what an idiot.

6- worst it all, they dont have a CF! that place isnt safe n fit to get real CF from the authority! all of us can only received a temporary tred license because of that. because of that too 90% of tenants moved out. only 4 shop left till the end of contracts. including mine. we have very good sales, way higher than my target. the sales drop only after raya.

7- The fucked up stupid n rude manager makes me pissed of too. we argue mostly because of his stupidity. i refused to talk with him after that n straight away deal with the son's landlord. He was a nice boy, and very linient with tenant. I wish he's in charge earlier and probably all tenants will stay there. I did told him about his rude manager n told him to get rid of the problems, same with all the tenants left. Telling him the same thing. Well he did. im so glad. however its too late.. cause 90% tenants moved out, with an empty mall how do u expect new tenant wanna rent there when they know that place is dead.

8- i wait until my contract ends and moved to a bigger place near my house. Business is still too slow and i used lots of money for the new rental and moved out and renovation expenses. Im a bit worried about how its gonna be next year with the current economy situation... i really dont know how it goes.

9 - the freelance training job is pretty bad this year cause of limited budget by the government. 2 of my training was canceled. my savings are all gone. i was hoping to get business loan as soon as possible, or else i have to work or continue my PHD for my backup.

10- Its really a tension year. working non stop for few months.. no holiday, not enough sleep.. worsen my body n skin condition. getting fatter and lots of pimples too.

To be continued...

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Happy New Year 2016!!

Wow!! It's almost 2 years I didn't update this blog? Never been this lazy before hehe. To tell you the truth (as if anybody cares) at least once a month I thought of writing something on this blog before I go to sleep. It's never happened because I'm proven to have lazy ass and I end up watching series every night before going to bed. However, I successfully forcing myself to log in and write something today muahahaha... and it's probably gonna be a long booooring story of myself in this hectic world.

My 2014 was pretty intense though relaxing in a way. As per my last post, it's all about me wasting my time watching anime or tv series more than 8 hours a day enjoying my life as a student and a jobless person, and I'm using almost all my saving to pay all my debts and expanses and yet I dont feel anything about it, never been this happy to be free from my previous life as an under appreciated engineer working with stupid management.

However at some point I do feel my life was useless, I feel there's no point to live, no money, I'm becoming such a poor person living with credit cards debt and still, I feel nothing about it, no regrets, no worries and really doesn't care about anything. I just focus on classes and trying to finish up my Master with excellent grades. My whole life, I never really care to study and get good marks. It felt different when I myself wanted to further study and used my own money to pay for the fees and getting scholarship for the first time in my life. For the first time, i'm being serious and wanting to get good marks and really study for it and walllaaahhhh... I get awesome cgpa - 3.94!! If only I study during my degree and diploma, most probably I don't need to pay for my study loan now :P.

During that time, I was lucky that a friend of mine giving me a freelance training job which pays a lot. If only I knew the job pays a lot, I probably won't reject customers offer and have done it earlier! Such a waste, I'm so obedient to my company and I regret it. Moral of the story - think of yourself first, not your company. It helps me pay the bills. I only work for 4 days and I get more than my previous salary! It's pretty sad that most of the job comes in during my final month and I have to reject it, otherwise it's enough to pay my bills for another year.

So, by end of 2014, I graduated with flying colors. Lecturers offered me grants to continue my PHD. I had enough study already, and I plan to go abroad for my PHD, so I reject all of their offers. Now comes the hard part - WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW??

It's a hard question cause:
1- I don't want to work with any company.
2 - I'm broke and can only survive for another 2 months
3- No confirmed freelance job in few months
4- I really hate the feeling that I need to work with somebody again

So, the first few months was hard. The former 'sister' company offered me a job, however the person in charge in interviewing me doesn't want me even though the boss wants me as i have the most experience and have certs and way more knowledgeable from all their staff. i do feel insulted a bit, but it's their lost not mine. i don't like that job anyway unless if they can pay what I requested for. Those who knows me are pretty upset cause I was not hired, the funny part is, my classmates who have zero knowledge about that job and doesn't have experience got the job! so i guess the person in charge prefer someone who doesnt have experience and not that smart to be under her so she can be in control. WTH.. I feel a bit insulted but again it's their lost not mine. So I moved on - I worked with my friends as a sales assistant in his sculpture shop hahaha.

It's fun at first but then I get bored. The salary was small but at least i can pay my bills. I know my mom didnt like it cause I'm a master student, I should work like before. I know she hates it that I couldnt help her in her expenses, i can't take her for vacation and I cant help her to fix all broken things in the house. I am super upset about this as my mom aren't being fair with me,. I never asked for her money unlike my brother who didnt work for years and always ask money from my mom and us and even me! and yet my mom was ok for him not working and blame me for not wanting to work?? Guess what?? I don't care anymore and it's time for me to think of myself and what i want and what i want to achieve! I always put her first, always try to give what she wants, but at the end of the day I'm still the person she wants to blame and she doesn't seem to appreciate everything I've done to her. She said,  the rests are so good at managing and planning their life or for those she pity, she will gave them supports and money. They all are selfish! I'm done being so nice. It's time for me to get what i wanted and gain back everything I lost.

Going to year 2015 - I quit my job as sales assistant. This year is full of surprises and me being the new me - exploring all the possibilities that might suite me and fill my pockets with lots of cash as long as i dont need to work with anybody. It's a crazy survival year!

Firstly I spend more time focusing on my online business, getting more sales each months but yet i cant depends on it to pay my bills. I joined the state business group to gain more free knowledge and built up my networks. Its awesome at first, meeting lots of new people, successful people and those who have good network and relationships. However, after a few months, i can see all their true nature, most are selfish and doesn't really wants to help others, but rather help themselves. Somehow, some of them loves me cause I have Master, i dont know why, but most probably it looks good to them cause they have a Master student under their programme, easy to get loan etc i dont know. I start to get away from those people. I hate those types of people who just wants me for their benefits. So i decided not to join them anymore.

I moved on to try something new - being a unit trust agent hahaha. I never see myself doing this type of job. It's exciting as i learned a lot of new things in regards of economics, investment etc and it makes me realise that I'm totally doom cause I dont have any savings and investment now. That's a scary truth. It makes me realise - i really wasted my 10 years of working and not being a smart investor!! For a couple of months i focused on this job, searching for new clients, meet up with more sincere professionals people compare to those business club. deep inside i still wants my own business to bloom. I always pray to open my own shop this year. It doesn't look realistic looking at my economy now.

I don't know why... everything happened too fast I thought it's all just a day dream.

One fine day, i went to see this new mall recommended by my friend. I fell in love with it and all the promotions they giving me. I make a crazy decisions, I sttaight away booked the shoplot and think later - on how am i supposed to get the money for deposits and for renovation costs. I went home and feeling super excited to tell mom about it, and guess what?? she doesn't really care to even listen to me. I feel like crying (i'm still in emotional states of her not being fair with me). She always care to listen to my brothers dreamy never happens business project but my more realistic business, she doesn't even care to listen. I asked helps from my sisters and brothers... negatives responds.

I was so disappointed, spending my days crying in the room. My mom always scold me if i doesn't want to help my brothers but when im in need of money, no one is there to help me. Not even my mom. The youngsters are all selfish. If they dont want to help me, fine. I will prove to them that i can do this. the worst thing that would happened is, i'll go bancrupt. Do i care?? No! cause this is my chance that I should grab or else i will stuck with my previous life.

At the end, some of my siblings help me and i proceed with the plan. I believe it will be blooming even more. It's a roller coaster ride, so many hiccup here and there with the stupid management, but what else can i do?? i just have to be patience as i believe in that place. I spend most of my money in renovation and start up costs - pretty a lot. it's ok to spend my money for this experienced. I learned a lot of new things, meeting with real business minded which i love to make friends, bigger network and opportunities too.  The first month was good, sales are increasing and customer love it.

Actually, I had few dejavus of this shop. It meant to happen and I thank God for giving me this opportunity. This is my first step to go big in this few years. So many plan in my head, so many things to do!! It's tiring, i work more hours than before but im happy doing it. Something i wishes for such a long time.

Looking back at what has happened for the past 2 years, I am happy I quit my job and embraced all the challenges and follow my heart and believe in my self and in my dreams. The biggest thing i realised is, i'm becoming more of myself, meaning that i do the talk and being serious with my life. All this years I try to help others, try to help my mom, I think too much but didnt make any action. I spend hours in years wasting my time hang out with my friends. I didn't achieve anything except dragged myself in stupid drama.

The moment I decided to ignore all those stupid drama, I have my Master, I have good business, I have my own shop in just 2 years! I thank God for all that has happened. If not I probably won't realised that I wasted my time in a coffee shop talking nonsense with endless drama. It's a sad thing to loose those i loved and those fun days, but it does makes me a better me and a successful me!

I have so many plan in my life, so many business for me to venture. I'm so excited of what will I achieve in year 2016.  

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hunter x Hunter - Killua my love

The moment I know I have lots of work to do, but the due date is still far from the corner, my mind will redirect me away from doing the suppose task in any way can. It's something I can't really control :P.

Thus, the last 2 weeks I end up watching Hunter x Hunter. Another favourite manga of mine that I read about 10 years ago. I stop reading it since the manga production is pretty slow and always on hiatus. Turns out after 10 years, the story are not far from where I left it! and again it's been in hiatus for 1 year.

Hunter x hunter is an awesome story, about the adventures of Gon and his friends being a hunter with respective mission of their own. Being a hunter gave them license to ultimately doing just whatever they want to, that has no limit in terms of money and power to access certain area or important information. Hunter are thought with the power of Nen that will help them to become stronger. Gon and Killua are special kids that have the superior capabilities of learning and improving their power and combat skills. 

It is one of the top selling anime in Japan. The reason why I like this anime is the characters and the story line which a bit heavy for some people. The friendship bond between Gon and Killua does envy me, and their determination in everything they do. The story are twisted, their power are awesome and I just love everything about this anime. 

You guys can watch it here.

The best character for me is of course KILLUA. He's assassin background and training has make him an awesome mystery cool kid in my eye, not to forget that he does look way cuter than Gon :P. Above all, the dark side of him didn't prevent him being such a loving and supportive friend especially to Gon. Whatever he will put Gon above all, always on his back making him safe and happy all time. That's really touching for me.

Killua with his electricity Nen

Why both Gon and Killua character gives me a deep impact? Because I wish I have someone like Killua, or probably I can be someone like Killua. This anime gives me the chill, twisted feeling for me when I look into my past. I assume such relationship are non existent. There's no way a human being are capable of having that strong love unless they have pure heart which possibly too rare to happen. Or perhaps i'm just unlucky to believe in some one and be fooled by her hidden evil.

Killua and Alluka

The strong bond between them envy me... well, what do u expect from real human right? One thing for sure, I thought I had this kind of best friend relationship before... to my surprise, it's just a temporary or I would say fake, she changed when she find another bastard that willing to fuck her and worship her. 

I know my anger won't disappear, the betrayal I felt will never be erased forever. 

If only I have Killua capabilities, I will definitely giver her the thunderbolt hahaha. Fuck her.

I hope this manga will be continue and no more hiatus!! Stop torture and playing with your fans heart Yoshihiro Togashi!

Sunday, February 2, 2014

It's Sunday today

I have bad muscle pain all over my body this morning due excessive exercise yesterday. It took me several minute to decide whether i'm able to play basketball or not.

Since i don't want to accept any excuses myself, i just get up and went to play basketball again. Such a rare determination from my lazy ass!!

My playground

When i reach the court there's 1 guy playing basketball, i just ignore him but later he said he want to play with me. So i said fine and waiting for strangers favourite question.. "how old are u?". I don't know why is it important for them to know my age. So i thought i want to lie.. but then as always i just tell the truth :p

He's a college student as i thought so. So we play one on one n have fun laughing at our week skills hehe. Than he told about his passion on basketball, he bought books and even pay class to learn basketball. I was impressed however i can say im better than him except he's way taller than me. He thought me all the basics skills so i just listen and follow him and excel in short time. :)

So we went on playing another 2 on 2 with my nephew and this time i won. Yes my skills is coming back!! Hehe. So one thing i regret, i should ask him to find me if he ever come to play again. At least i have a real person who knows how to play basketball and compete with me!! Seriously he is the only person i ever see playing basketball there. How pitiful it is, normally guys go there to play futsal on basketball court. How irritating it is.

Another interesting day for me.... now i got all this pain attack on arms and legs, dragging my leg as walking. I guess i have to stop playing for few days.

Tomorrow is my registration day.... and i seriously need to find part time work. My bro business will not start as soon as i thought :(. What should I do?

Saturday, February 1, 2014

morning sickness??

I think i have this severe morning sickness today. Im doing crazy things today... i woke up at 8, grab my basketball, have a glass of drink and walk to the park and play basketball alone. 🙌👻 (yes after about a month of fail attempts. It's an unbelievable sickness :p)

It's a whole lot new of excitement that i haven't felt for such a long time!! It's felt like i'm a teenager again, a school kid enjoying time throwing basketball into the net for the first time! It's been like 9 years i haven't really play this game. My favourite spot which i'm used to be good at it.

Though i play by myself today.. i got few of high school kids around came and talked to me & join me for a few throw. It's funny to see school kids try to have a chat with me and have that disbelief face when i told them im 31. They was like WOW for a few minutes as they thought im in high school too (it never fails to flattered me looking at those disbelief look everytime i tell someone my age, Haha) and after that i did gave them advice about uni life and professional job.... i don't know why but they seem to like it though. The boy are kind of cute too :p.

My energy for jumping and throwing around only last for 1 hour. It sucks, i wish i can play longer. After that i just sat on the swing and swing for half an hour... relaxing, watching those kid happily play futsal, watching 2 olf man circling the garden for the 20th round probably talking about politics, feeling the cild breeze of air and sunshine on me from between the leaves... i smiled. How could i not doing this since i was working? I used to be an outdoor girl always hang out with friends, play basketball, jogging and have a long gossip enjoying the nature.

It's such a waste. Im happy i really force myself to get up and go out today. It too makes me realise its been such a long time i haven't really went out there and socialise with strangers (apart of vacations). It does feel good and alive.

So im gonna wake up again tomorrow n play basketball again. Should i lie about my age this time? Hehehe

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

New year bla bla bla!

Happy Belated New Year!

It's not that I don't have time to update New Year post because I'm in Beijing, it's because I'm so busy with my final semester! So, that's it, that's the main reason why I have to cancel my trip to Beijing. I'm so sad. Luckily it's pay off when for the first time ever in my life I got 4.0! Whoooooooot!!! It's worth it hehe.

So talking about new year --->2014,  everything is still blur. I'm still jobless, still waiting for the opportunity, still need to finish up my master. Still have no idea how am I suppose to get money as I'm so lazy to work!

It's heaven to not working, lazying in the house, watching 150 episodes of one piece in 2 weeks, this is the only anime that I'm following right now, it's funny and superb and I like Luffy character A LOT. On top of that I waste my time watching all latest movies, playing with my cats, watch drama, watch Justin Bieber video and amaze with his cuteness and success story and off course watching my beloved TYLER BLACKBURN.

Tyler Blackburn is the most perfect man alive so far (he has overtook Johnny Depp from my list). He has sexy eyes with cute nose, sexy lips, have sweetest smile and so handsome at the same time. It was love at first sight. AAaaahhhhh.... I wish I found someone who looks like him over here, I will definitely not gonna let him go :P.

Sexy serious look that can melt me in mili second

perfect smile that makes me fall in love with him even more

Innocent look and so damn cute that I will give him anything he wants

There's nothing to say.. just fainted

Seriously I'm a victim of CUTENESS!! I wish he is my lover :p. Well, I had a boyfriend who look like very young Johhny depp at certain angle, with eyes and nose almost similar and so cute. Tyler Blackburn has supersede Johnny Depp and my ex. Sometimes I have this dreamy thought, well I can get someone as cute and handsome as my ex, what if Tyler meet me, will he said I'm cute too and will he be interested in me? hehe. Unfortunately for me, he doesn't know me so can't see how far that theory works. I always have rush in my blood whenever I see Johnny Depp in Arizona Dreams. They are so alike (minus the square face of Johnny Depp). I am still angry with my self for cursing him and letting him go and blame his fucked up grandma and his believe. How I made peace whenever i'm thinking about what had happened? easy, he will regret it when he's dead and I'm happy for him for that, that's what he chose.

My ex had set a very high benchmark... thus that's one of the reason why I am still single for the past 8 years, unless if I'm living in San Diego... probably I'll be having lots of BF instead :p. Damn why there are lack of guys with my taste over here. ahhh Tyler....