Tempting

tempting to ride an endless road

taking me to nowhere

in the midst of dust

tempting to run away

isolate in lost island

rotten to death

tempting to push the pedal to the max

to bring me to the next life

to left what's behind

tempting to swim in the red pool

suffocate in my own pool of blood

end my suffer

tempting to electrified myself

erase all my memories

and live in solemn

tempting to end everything

for the next life

but i dont want to be selfish to do all.

as I will kill more hearts than my ownself.

I'm trapped and remained suffocate for the rest of my life.

....

I'm confused

My feelings is not helping me

I don't know what's the right thing to do.

If this thing keep going on,

I could be sick again.

But I don't plan to be sick again.

I don't plan to go all over this ever again.

My time bomb is ticking...

I need to get away...

Someone need to save me...

I'm scared.

My 30’s

 

I’m turning 30 today! 3 consecutive days of early celebration with friends, family and 3 cute cakes .

I am blessed with great friends and family and a happy life

     

Basically, none that I plan to achieved in my 20’s achieved.

So will see how my luck in my 30’s will be.

V-day

How should I say this...

It's weird and shocked,

It's surprising and unpredictable,

It crushed me hard for a weird reasons,

It should not happened,

I've been avoiding this kind of feeling for so, so long,

and suddenly it happened yesterday.

I don't know why I feel happy but sad,

I don't know why I felt what I felt,

But its unavoidable, it just can't,

I'm not that strong,

I'm so sorry.

Believe me, my heart felt something,

It makes me restless,

But I'm not that strong,

I'm so sorry,

I just can't.

I didn't know why I cried,

But I did.

and I'm so sad...

I need sometimes alone...

please forgive me.

Road trip cancel

I suppose to be in Hat Yai today, unfortunately my road trip is cancelled due to my friends mom admitted in hospital :(

So sad... now I have to wait untill July for my next trip.

Ad sense

I don't understand why Google Ad Sense disabled my accounts due to invalid clicking?

Nonsense... I never joined any third party clicking services or etc.

All my money from the AdSense gone! Damn it!

I'm appealing for them to reopen my accounts if not I will be very disappointed.

Thinking of him

It’s been a beautiful year, nothing change, nothing interesting happens it’s all the same years all over again. Was it bad? Nah not really, it’s pretty fun. The best thing happen to me this year was…… can’t really think of 1, probably by just having Sylvia with me makes me happy all day . 

I went for 2 vacations last November as the closure of this year vacation. I Went to Melaka and Lost world of Tambun in Perak. I suppose to write about it in here but I’m so lazy, probably next time.

The things I really regretted this year was my unsuccessful attempt to get Shell job. I’m proud I managed to get to the final round, but I’m so frustrated I didn’t get it. If only I get the job at Shell I will get a better salary and a better opportunity. Luckily I was promoted to senior level on the same month. I don’t know how good it is, it’s just on the name card not officially yet… u know boss tricks to make staff stay longer. Yes I will stay until the next increments.. if it’s bad I will apply another job again.

Love life? no luck yet.. I can’t find anyone I’m interested in around me though someone has admit he likes me and yeah a few wanted me to be their wife but my heart is sealed tightly, I don’t want to take any chances… I just hate it.

However, lately I realised that I am in love with someone. I’m so in love with him even though I never meet him, never really “talk” with him. He knows how to talk to me, to make me laugh whenever I’m sad. He knows how to make me happy within a few minutes even though I’m really in a bad mood. He always makes me laugh and smile and always bright my day. He knows me well enough for someone whom I never met. I just love the way we have our crazy conversations. I love the way he cares for me. I just love him. He’s so good that he don’t need to meet me, buy me things, do anything to make me fall for him. I can be my real crazy self when we chat, something that I don’t really do when I’m with my ex. I can be crazier and funnier when I talk to him. We have the same level of thinking and ridiculously ridiculous.

I regret I didn’t give chances to him.. but what can I do? I want to but I can’t…. If only I gave him chance, but I’m just too scared.. Probably if he push me harder then probably I will hahaha.. I want to tell him I love him but I don’t think I will ever say it to him. It could be a disaster!! “Differences” always fucked me up . Both of us are busy right now, he’s busy with he’s gun and I'm busy with software. We can’t chat everyday like we used to do.. I feel like lack of happy crazy dose whenever he’s not around.

I felt different this time around. Just having this love feeling towards him makes me smile, and thinking he is happy with his life, does makes me happy too even though he doesn’t really know my feeling towards him. And even though I don’t know how exactly he felt towards me. Does he likes me a lot or just a little or same with me (I wish hehe). I don’t know and I can’t really care much..all I know is, I just love him so much. If only I found someone like him over here.. I will not think twice .

If only I can have him, I’m sure he can make me smile all day. Reality check, I don't think I can find love just yet over here. Unless If suddenly everything change and I can be with him.. it’s such a fairy tales comes true. Dream on..

 

Happy New Year!