I'm feeling Awkward

Watching Awkward instead of study is something that I should not done in the first place. I have exam tomorrow and yet, all in my head was all the characters in the series that makes me living in fantasy. Especially that cute charming Matty Mckibben and the beautiful Jenna who always trying to ruin things with her self concious and idiot decisions, I really feel wanna slap her. I feel like I am part of the drama (well I am part of all drama that I love :p). I will find the connections in my real life and makes me recall my life again and again with the question with ... "What if?"

It's hard to say in words, because first, English is not my first language and second I'm seriously sucks in writing. So the best thing I can do is just imagine. I still remember when I was young, no one ever understand me, especially my family. Even my friends don't really understand me. It's like I'm a kid living in an adult woman body, having my own thinking that I don't think one would understand at my age. I have friends and family but deep inside I'm always lonely. That's where cats feel in my empty life. I just talk with my cats as if they understand me, it gives me relief.

The brought up makes me who I am now, and sometimes I do feel I'm way too serious in my life and didn't really chill out when I was a teenage girl. I blame it to my hormone? or lack of communication? or hatred to the surroundings? or just want to be anti social?. I don't like people to know me, to be in the centre of attention and do what girls always do, have a bunch of boy friends. I'm proud of being myself, being different from others and yet people do notice me and somehow care to "care" about my existence. It's weird to know that some have their attention towards me when I don't give a damn about anybody. It's funny when I knew some nick name me as a "model" LOL. Same goes when I'm in Uni, I have "sexy or cat" as my nickname, that's so weird as I never wore sexy cloths... at least I loose up a little bit in Uni. However, I could achieve more if I want to... yeah I regret it.

So, what if I was different, I was as open as I am now, mingle with everyone, be more actives and just do what I want? Probably I will not be here, feeling jealous of other peoples achievement in life if I mingle with the right group... those who are smart ass and rich and know their way out to success?

Not that I am not success in my way.... but I would gain more, - scholarship in UK, enjoy my life to the fullest and have a high paid job in pound sterling.. who knows right?

Well...if only I knew, if someone can guide me!! On top of that, I blame it on the technology. If only I have a lot of information and the internet is way cheaper back then.. I will definitely know what I should do to study abroad, a leap to a better achievement.

I could write nonsense all nite , It's just me trying to excuse myself from studying!!! I seriously can't focus. Hopefully I can answer all the questions correctly tomorrow.

Till then adios.. I need to sleep.